Laurie's Journal

Hello, all! Seasons greetings to all!  Living one day at a time by faith.  Things are slowly starting to peek through the curtains of obscurity as to what God's plan is for my life.  Certain people are basically pissing me off more and more as I learn more about God's Word. Why???!!! The answer is simple.  People-especially those who are not saved by Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ-are dumb as shit to be completely real. Sorry.  I am hard pressed not to be angry because it's difficult to have patience with utter stupidity. Sorry, well, not sorry. I've had severe bipolar for 25 years.  At first, I didn't know what was bothering me because during the 1980s "Manic-depression," as it was called was not something you spoke about publicly.  There was a shame attached to having mental illness in those days.  Currently, with a stigma nearly lifted, mental illness is now starting to be recognized as a disability. I caught up with my disease and how our socie...

Good afternoon all! Thank you for allowing me to cry out to God yesterday. I read Psalm 2 or at least Psalm 2 read me.  The message is clear: defy God and remain broken. Surrender and obey and be blessed.   "Why do the nations rage, And the people plot a vain thing? The kings of the earth set themselves, And the rulers take counsel together, Against the LORD and against His Anointed,  saying, 'Let us break Their bonds in pieces And cast away Their cords from us.'" I have been fighting lately, but it has been like pounding sand.  Completely useless. Who can fight with God??? Moreover, why would you want to fight or defy God??? The only battles we win are the battles we fight on our knees with God as the front Man. My main hang up was that I needed to be in control of EVERYTHING.  Thankfully, I was warned PLENTY before I acted out any willful intentions that could prove to be dangerous.   God help me to stay under  Your umbrella and not to stra...

 Hello, all! I have a confession to make.  It has to do with my spirituality.  I am writing this to you dear readers as I am writing this to God, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I have not been reading my Bible as I should be doing because I was angry with God.   As a result, I was starving myself of the Bread of the Word, but at the end of the day I was only hurting myself.   Oh dear Heavenly Father please help me come back to You! Circumstances of life have caused me to run away from You with self-will run riot.  In the process, I have looked to everything else but You for my help.  I have willfully tried to sabotage my 23-year long relationship with You because I didn't believe in Your power to graciously get me to the other side of my circumstances.  I knew better, but I was tempted anyway. I run to You Heavenly Father, and I run back to the Cross. Oh, God help me!  I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes humbly...

 Sorry about the delay in catching up! I was pretty much oscillating between mania and depression in the month of October.  But now I'm back stronger than ever.  I'm living proof that living with manic/depression requires so much more than simply medicine. How did I get through it? The only way through is through, as I've heard it said.  I had to use my tools of positive self-talk, surrendering my anxieties to God and of course staying in line with medication and self-care. Now, I'm looking forward to the holiday season and, of course, Florida for my brother Ron's wedding. 70 degree winter break here we come! I have to go to work soon, so I think I'll relax with some meditations and some positive prayerful personal confessions. Until next time! Bye for now! Love you.

 Hey there! I decided to go shopping at the mall yesterday,  I bought some more clothes for Fall/Winter, and this fabulous Liz Claiborne pocketbook on clearance for $29.99!  I also bought hubby some shirts for work.  I got a massage from one of those mall massage chairs. Hubby didn't want to walk around the mall with me, so he stayed home and watched TV.  Later, I took a dip in the pool and got ready for dinner out with hubby All in all, it was an eventful day. At home, I watched The Devil Wears Prada starring Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway.  I had forgotten how much I miss fashion writing.  One of my friends from the fashion world reached out a couple of days ago.  He is a male model who worked at Jersey City Fashion Week and other fashion shows.  I asked if he wants to catch up at Starbucks where I first interviewed him for JCFW.  He said that would be great! I think I will take a dip in the pool before going out with hubby and possib...

 Hey there! It's a bit cloudy today, but that's o.k....I'm on stay-cation!!! I swam in the pool with hubby yesterday and took some "me time" walks. Today, I might take a walk on the shore.  Even in cloudy weather the ocean is beautiful.  My mood is stable today, and at this point I don't want to return to the grind.  I look to the future with hope, but I'm not ready to give up doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I just asked hubby what he wants to do today.  He said: " I don't know yet.  Let me take a shower."  That sounds like a good idea for myself.  Keeping up with hygiene is important, even when you feel anxious or depressed.  I've been getting better at it.  I like showers better than baths because showers completely clean you.  In a bath, you are sitting in your own filth.  Ugh!! What do I want to do today?  I'm unsure. I'm thinking about getting a massage, or getting my hair and nails done. I don't know....

 Hey there! I missed everyone.  Sorry about the silence, but I've been going through some major transitions in the month of August. I thought it was time for a reset as hubby and I are currently on a New Jersey stay-cation.   I am online right now catching up with some old friends from my fashion writing days.  I am also catching up on Facebook as I spent much time in the past month in bed with depression- like I said-reset time.  I am also using this time to catch up with myself, working on myself and healing. Sometimes we all need to reset and clear our heads of the daily grind. Resetting is super relaxing for the spirit, mind and soul.  I walked by the ocean thinking about nothing but the waves and the cool forgiving breeze that comes through the heat of the sun. I'm thinking about taking a walk right now. See you soon-love ya! ;)

 Hey there! Wow, this month has been a whirlwind of my former friends depression and fear!  I couldn't log anymore entries this month because I was severely depressed.  Then I realized the root of my depression.  I came to believe that it was the constant streaming of different channels.  I was becoming addicted to them hoping to distract myself from my moods.   While I think streaming is convenient and awesome, I was abusing it to lift my moods. The time I could have spent writing my book or blogging I instead spent on entertaining fears and depression.   I'm holding off on my book and Web site in lieu of getting-out-of-my comfort zone activities, like getting out of bed during the day to pray for God's will in my life.   When I hear His answers, I will resume less important activities. I might even reconsider going back to my streaming TV, but I want to be in a better space to do so. I reduced my watching to only one channel and m...

 Hey there! I'm attending a group writing session where you start writing while being timed.  So far, I got some writing prompts from a book called 321 Creative Writing Prompts  written by Lisa Dyer.  I went pretty deep  using the prompts to make my two fave protagonists come alive.  This is so exciting!  I can't wait to see where their story goes! I'm working on the sequel to my first novel, and lets just say I will give more of deets once my Web site is up and running. I'm back and better than ever.  My mood swings phase have finally cooled down (for now, anyway).  I feel less obsessive over stupid stuff as well.  It's like it's said:  "You're your own worst enemy." Bye for now! I love you! ;)

 Hey there! Sorry I haven't been around lately.  I  was kinda going through a depressive phase.  Sleeping a lot.  Only concerned about hygiene when I had to go to work. I don't know really what triggered it.  Been feeling exhausted lately.  But since then I've been on the proper dosage of medicine.  It took a minute, but I got there.   Now I'm bathing and even applying makeup just because. It had much to do with God's guidance, getting involved in volunteer projects at church and much praying to God to help me get out of bed. I'm not getting involved in my husband's business or all up into the cracks of what is not mine.  My last depressive phase lasted about 2 months.  Ugh. I lost my appetite and dropped weight, I didn't think I would look good in makeup anymore . Then slowly, day by day I started getting out of bed earlier and earlier.  I got my hair done, I applied makeup and thought: " not too bad for almost 53." My hu...

 Hey there! My church mentor is going away for the rest of the week, and I'm very sad.  This is going to be a test for me as I live life on my own.  She said I can text her, but it won't be the same. She is like an older sister, who I go to for my Biblical advice and daily living.  My other sister  Sandi is also good to talk to, but she is always on the go as a busy grandma, so I don't like to bother her too much.  Sandi is also my sister in the Lord, and she doesn't at all look like a grandma! I was just reminiscing how we used to make phone calls with using the area code if you lived within that area code.  I still remember my childhood phone number that has since been retired.  God, I feel old. I don't look old, but I feel old. I think I'm going to do some shredding today.  20 years worth of paperwork that don't matter anymore has to go.  Pretty soon we will be moving into our forever home, and I don't want to bring the past with me. ...

 Hey there! I worked tonight, and I'm exhausted!  I don't have to work tomorrow, but I need to walk down to Target with John. Nothing much else going on except me praying three times per day for God's will for our lives.  My church mentor said God already knows my needs and desires, so I only need to pray for God's will. I've been writing in my journal and reading my Bible everyday.   Well, goodnight for now. I love you. ;)

 Hey there! Happy May Day! The sun is out and it finally stopped raining.  I cannot wait for John and I to spend some much deserved time down the shore (Seaside Heights, NJ).  I love the smell of the ocean and the balmy weather. Last year, we flew out to Washington state to visit my cousins.  This year I think we we will stay on the east coast.  Also, I would like us to visit my half-brother Eric and family, who live in upstate New York. I love the Spring, Summer and Fall. I hate the winter.  I'm thinking of asking my husband if he would want to retire to Florida in our golden years.  I've had enough of New Jersey winters. Well, I got called in early to work. I love you guys.

 Hey there! Well, it's the last day of April.  Hopefully, it's the last day of rain.  I hate rain. John celebrates 28 years of sobriety today,  I'm so proud of him.  He's being a bit of a pain i the ass about picking out something to wear to his meeting celebration.  That's alright, John's my pain in the ass! Otherwise, it's a pretty lazy day today.  We went to church and I got a lot out of the sermon.  My take away was that we were beggars, and now we are royalty.  What a blessing! I have a new psychiatrist, but I'm a bit nervous about whether or not I'm going to like her.  My medications were also raised due to increased anxiety and depression.  It's been pretty touch and go for the past 3 weeks. I've been calling my mentor several times during that period.  I've also been experiencing physical pain as a result of depression. Anyway, I'm going to watch a movie before the celebration. See you guys soon! I love you.

Hey there. I'm living today.  Nothing special. Have not heard from my bio dad, but it's  ok if I don't.  I did my part. Anyway, I'm praying on writing a devotional for the mentally ill.  My church mentor  is praying on it, too.  The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Other than having to work today, it's pretty uneventful today.  My eyes are focused Heavenward, and my heart and life are in His hands.  I can't  wait to finally be called home sometimes.  This world is so messed up.   However, life is beautiful with our Comforter, the Holy Spirit and Jesus intervening on our behalf. Keeping my chin up until next time. I love you guys. ;)

 Hey there! Feeling less anxious today.   Today Pastor D spoke about forgiveness in today's devotional.   Forgiveness was a bit difficult for me ever since I was a little girl.  It was about the time I found out that I have a biological father who denied my existence.  I have since forgiven him, but I have yet to call him.  He's 80 years old now.  I found him on Ancestry.com, where I also found two half brothers, one older and one younger.   My one older brother is the best, and we talk on the phone every so often. I have books that I wrote (self-published) that I want to send to him (my brother).  I told him that I'm still gathering the courage to call up our father.   What would I say to him?  I have no idea. Well , I finally took a leap and it turned out to be another wrong number.  I also messaged his wife on Facebook.  I guess I want to prove to myself that I've forgiven my biological father. ...

 Hey there. Feeling anxious today, but not having a bad day.  My meds were upgraded, so hopefully my new upgrade  will kick into my system soon.   I didn't feel like punching anyone in the nose, so that's good.  ;) I went food shopping today, and tomorrow I will pay some bills.  Today was really uneventful other than watching some Hulu and Netflix. My fave show to binge lately has been Mom , starring Anna Faris.   I am also reading some of my books on Audible, as well as a few of my paperback books I ordered during the pandemic.  Pre-pandemic, I wasn't into Audibles or reading.  When I was a teen I read a lot.  So, I don't know what happened over the years. I also used to write in a diary more often when I was younger.  Well, now I blog my journal entries for the entire world to see in hopes that I'll help somebody else out there. Speaking of when I was younger, I used to also watch soap operas faithfully, Oprah was on the...

Hey there. I feel pretty good today.  I'm really in a good space.  Nobody has cheesed me off today, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm learning to watch what I say.  I'm also re-learning how to float. Floating is an exercise where you allow anxiety to come, but you "float" your way through it.  It reminds you that control is an illusion, and to hang loosely. Floating is not entirely  letting go, but it loosens your grip. My mentor suggested that I go back to swimming, where I can actually float, and teach myself to relax. Well, see you guys next time. ;) Love you!

 Hey there. ***TRIGGER WARNING*** Yesterday was a bad day for me.   Let's be real.   Anxiety took over, or I allowed it to take over.  I wasn't feeling myself at all.  I called my therapist and my psychiatrist, and then my spiritual leaders. This is how anxiety affects me.   For me, anxiety is a chemical thing where I have my good days and I have my bad days.   Yesterday was one of those bad days.  One where my outlook on life stinks and everything seems to be happening at once.  I get overwhelmed. I took my bedtime meds, and now I feel much better that I got some well deserved rest. Despite how we feel, life happens and will continue to happen.  Sometimes faking it until you make it doesn't work, especially when I feel like I'm carrying the very depths of Hell inside me.  My insides churn while I smile on the outside, so people don't see how I'm really feeling. I received a hug from a friend, and my husband John...

Hi. I'm feeling a little blue today. I often thought that finding your purpose was about looking ahead.  I don't think of it that way so much anymore.  I think finding purpose is about reflecting and saying "a-ha, that's been my purpose all along."  No regrets, no losses or gains, but this is your life.  But you're at peace with that. Maybe not so blue, but reflective.  So why am I crying?  I regret nothing, not even my mistakes. Maybe the peace I have I want to hold onto forever.  I want to hold onto my husband John forever, but one day God's going to call him home.  One day, God's going to call me home. Is this all there is?  Can we get a new purpose?  No matter what age? I want to write this blog right here, right now forever just pouring my heart out to you. Are these happy tears? Grateful tears? I'm re-learning how to pray.  I have always written out my prayers, and then I would check them off and log my answers. I found a bind...

Hey there!   I checked my You Tube account, and Jesus Revolution doesn't drop until April 11th! BOOOOOO!!! I  prayed today begging God to keep people away from me, who speak bad tidings and basic negativity.  It's beginning to make me so ANGRY.  I just want to live my life as I always have: happy, joyous and free.  :) On a positive note, I guess God is using his sandpaper to make me a better person.  He is sending me the sand paper people. Loving God is not so much about being a good person so you can get into Heaven.  It's about a daily progression of learning and understanding better concepts on how to treat ourselves and others.  Walking with God is learning to live by higher standards because this world in and of itself is a depraved place to be.   My senior pastor (RIP) once said that we will never know the depravity God rescued us from.  I have forgotten most of the depravity God rescued me from. My mind has been renewed....

Hey there!  The thing about getting  older is becoming wiser. I learned not to gossip about others a long time ago, but there is the flip side. Learning to tune out gossip is equally important.  Learning to say, "I gotta go." Detaching. Most of my worries and fears come from what I allow into my spirit. I'm too old and too intelligent to carry around old fears triggered by allowing negativity into my ear gates. On a more positive note, I just subscribed to Peacock for only $4.99 (plus tax), and it's an amazing value add to my Hulu and Netflix.  Also, my pre-ordered Jesus Revolution movie just dropped into my YouTube.   I think I will do some tidying up before watching my movie. Totes excited!  I've been waiting for this movie to come out.  Well, bye for now. ;)

 Hey readers! How's your April 2023 going? Writing to tell you what's up.  I bought this whipped sugar scrub called My Beauty Spot in watermelon with mint scent.  I sells for about $5.00 retail, and it's AMAZING!!!  I did my usual facial routine of washing, exfoliating and moisturizing.  I looked in the mirror and I must look no more than 35 years old.  My skin feels refreshed and invigorated.   Needless to say, I am happy with this product, and I will implement it with my normal routine. Here is the link to shop online .  I just ordered 4 more scrubs!  Get them while supplies last! I read an article somewhere that you should always care for your skin, but as early as in your 30s and 40s washing, exfoliating and moisturizing is a most essential routine.  As far as aging is concerned, I don't sweat it.  Age is just a number, as the saying goes.  I'm going on my 53rd year on this beautiful earth and I will transpose the numb...

 Happy April 1st!  It's April Fool's Day, but for me it's April Wise Day.  This will be my month for learning and wisdom.  As I said before it's the first of God's several blessings.   My husband John and I will be planning our vacation this month with my cousins, who live out in Washington state.  I would like for it to be my birthday week in July, but we all have to discuss.  So I guess we'll see.   I cannot believe that I'm going to be 53 this year.  It seemed like only yesterday I was 23  or 33 or even 43.  I',m not like most people, I like getting older.  We subscribe to AARP magazine, and I'm totally cool with that.  I am a proud member of the Generation X club, born in 1970 and a teen in the 1980s.  I have great skin with no wrinkles.  My secret?  St. Ives Collagen and Elastin lotion or Pond's cold cream.  I've been using St Ives since I was 15 years old, and it is great!   I ...

 I learned something this week.  People are people, and perfect they are not.  What I once valued to be true, turned out to be the biggest lie. Where at first I was angry when this lie was exposed to me God gave me understanding.  Taking offense to what others say and do, or to what others not say and do is unwise because the Bible tells us that Jesus didn't put His trust in any man,  He expected mankind to mess up.   Having Bipolar disorder, this concept was strange to me because of the many fears I had of the world. My black and white mentality has conditioned me view things as good and evil.  There are people who are good and people who are evil.  Understanding and wisdom showed me that this is not so.   People have hang ups and most have been raised in the Spirit of the Age and not in Truth.  People's concepts and ideals are of mixed variety where you need an instruction manual in order to get along in the world.  This...

I did some Spring cleaning yesterday with my cousin because to do it by myself would be overwhelming.  I cannot believe we were tossing magazines from 2014.  It was incredibly freeing. I also Spring cleaned emails, social media accounts and files.  I found some poems I wrote some years ago, and I'm glad I did.   Unearthing creative works I used to enjoy writing made me very happy.   I don't know why I was initially afraid.  Discoveries from your past can be pleasant and sweet, and not necessarily dark and salty.  Maybe I will delve back into my creative writing because I was quite good at it.   I listened to today's devotional and read Psalm 123.  My devotional spoke about surrendering the self, and the Psalm spoke about looking to the Lord for mercy. I think we all need mercy when surrendering ourselves.   As I physically surrendered junk yesterday, I was reminded of my gifts in a gentle merciful way,  God also ...

  Spring is here.  A New Season.   My Season.  Buds shyly coming through on the winter-stripped trees.  I shyly come into my own.  I recently started reading my Bible in earnest, instead of grabbing a Scripture here and there like stray leaves in the wind.  My ups were way up and my downs were way down.  Medicine was only numbing the pain into a dull throb.  Therapy was only my sounding board, I want something more.  I started volunteering at my church on my days off from work. Finding purpose. There has to be something else.  I don't know what I am looking for, yearning for... ...maybe I will find it in my work, or in my volunteering. Perhaps. I am being cautiously optimistic, but I hope to drop the "caution" to the wind one day.