Laurie's Journal

 Hello, again!  Happy May 1st! Every month I get scared that I won't have anything to discuss.  Well, May is going to be awesome!   Last month I began deep cleaning and reorganizing my house.  FYI- keeping your home clean and organized literally sweeps the blues and anxiety away-no pun intended!  This month I will be continuing my stress-free quest by cleaning and organizing my closets.  By the time it comes to seeing my papa in person everything should be ship-shape. Anyway, I bought a book from Amazon called The Memoir Workbook A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Brainstorm, Organize, and Write Your Unique Story by C.S. Lakin.  I sent a copy to papa, who is also working on his memoirs.  This  book really gets your juices flowing when it comes to writing about yourself. In addition, I bought (for me, not for papa) Poetry 30 Day Challenge   and I downloaded another 30-Day Challenge that is sent directly to my inbox. I figure ...

 So sorry it's been awhile since my last entry.  I've been in a depressive mood and I didn't find writing that appealing.  I have so much material for my memoir entitled I Dream of Purple Skies .  It 's how I lived in rebellion for so many years before I came to Christ.  At the age of 30, I came to my senses, and bottom line, I am not my own Higher Power.  Growing as a Christian, it was difficult for me to completely trust God.  It was through life experience that I saw God come through for again, and again, and again.  Looking back at all that God has done for me, I now have a greater faith than when I was a baby Christian. I don't simply believe in miracles, I live on miracles!  On November 14th, I made contact with my birth father.  We have been talking ever since via phone and text.  He calls me his "Little Angel."He is married to Mama Claire, who is sweet and understanding.  She calls me "Baby Girl."  In all this time...

 Happy December! There is much to unpack here as there have been some new developments in my life this past November.  Let's just say that  I will have so much more to add to I Dream of Purple Skies , my book of memoirs and poetry.  It's going to be a book that is so much more than living and coping with mental illness and how I observe our fallen world through a mentally ill lens.  It's going to be a book about recovery, redemption and coming full circle.  It's going to be a book about intrigue and healing as I have begun slowly uncovering the lies I was told growing up about mental illness and distorted images I was given about my life. This book is going to be mostly about learning to love unconditionally and learning how to forgive human foibles in order to walk into a better, brighter and healthier future no matter what your age. You will notice on my Facebook page how I use it as a cathartic tool in dealing with my mental illness with an edgy sarcasm ...

 Happy October, everyone!  I love this type of weather.  It cool just enough where you can go out with a jacket. This October is kinda exciting for me as there is the upcoming Dodge Poetry Festival this week October 17, 18 and 19.  Joan Baez will be there, and I can't wait to take a selfie with her.  She's the 1960's folk singer/poet who influenced Bob Dylan.   I am also going to visit my half brother Eric, who I found out existed on www.ancestry.com .   Last month my new niece was born September 17th,  My heart is bursting with joy over my little princess Hazel Abigail!  I bought her a sterling silver picture frame for Christmas. Well, I have to get going at writing some more poetry and prose. That's all for now! Love ya!

I don't have many early recollections of mental illness that I could put into words.  I had these profound memories of weirdness, yes, that's what I would call them.  It was like every once in a while getting a shot in the arm with a serum of misunderstood feelings that needed to be untangled later on. Before I knew about the real gravity of depression, I got depressed. I felt depressed. Before I knew the definition of derealization, I experienced it.  I felt myself observing my life in third person.  I was fascinated by my own existence, but from the outside looking in. I dissociated before my therapist explained to me about the behavior. I felt a complete disconnect, sometimes in spurts, and then other times longer.

 It's September, the month of out-with-old transitioning into in-with-the new!  I just created my new Facebook page: I Dream of Purple Skies .  I created the page to start a fan page for my new book entitled I Dream of Purple Skies: A Memoir and Poem Collection  by Laurie Jean Perrone.  I plan to publish it in September 2026.  I returned to love of poetry and performing open mic this past summer in Montclair, New Jersey, where I perform monthly on Fridays at the end of the month in a venue called The Space.  I really enjoy doing it!   I also reserved tickets to The Dodge Poetry Festival (you can Google this on Ticketmaster to reserve a seat) in Newark, New Jersey.  The event is a 3-day festival of poetry talent from October 17- October 19, 2024.  On October 19th evening I will be attending a poetry event featuring Joan Baez, the famous folk singer from the 1960's. You will see these events posted on my Facebook page. Please check ou...

 We finally moved as of February 26th!  We love our new apartment.  I 'm so much calmer than I have been in the past 3 months.  I've been taking my meds and bed more religiously.  I also (try to) read five psalms every day.  I also attend Al-Anon meetings almost every Saturday morning, and church every Sunday. I've started writing my devotional by taking notes on whatever is going on around me.  It helps when I journal.  Writing a journal helps me to write this blog.  I feel more at home when I'm writing down my observations on life Writing is in my DNA.   My husband wants me to finish my sequel to The Fire in Grace: Coming Home, my novel for teens.  I'm much less manic than I used to be.  My BPD is most definitely severe, but I 'm coping with it with daily prayers and meds.   It's a nice day to walk and journal. I think I will take advantage  of some of this Spring sunshine. Love ya!  Bye for now! xxoo...

Hey there!  I woke up this morning asking God the Father, "What do you want me to work on?"  He impressed upon me forgiveness. When you hold onto bitterness and resentment, it eats you up inside.  Forgiveness frees you, but it also frees the other person who wronged you.  People who you don't forgive allow other people to rent space in their head. In my daily devotions I asked my Father to forgive me for ignoring Him for years by not praying either for myself or others. Now I have the desire to work on forgiving myself for committing sins of my past. Well, I must dash.  I have finish my coffee and get ready for church. Love ya!

 Happy 2024, all! New year, new season, new day! I think I'm going to begin writing my devotional because I've learned so much in 2023.  In 2023, I learned to overcome my biggest bugaboo FEAR.  May 2024 be a year free from fear! In the past year our house has been sold and we have been on the hunt for a new apartment within our budget.  This is a BIG TEST for me as apartments today are priced SKY HIGH. As I write this entry, I am listening to Pastor David preach online about how God takes His time and is never in a rush because God, being in the past, present and future, knows everything is going to be more than OK.   In the meantime, I'm going to remain obedient and align myself with God's will and continue to look for our amazing apartment God already has prepared for us!  Our downstairs neighbor joined forces with us in our searches for our amazing new homes. God's presence goes out before us.   I have to admit that I have been actively pu...

Hello, all! Seasons greetings to all!  Living one day at a time by faith.  Things are slowly starting to peek through the curtains of obscurity as to what God's plan is for my life.  Certain people are basically pissing me off more and more as I learn more about God's Word. Why???!!! The answer is simple.  People-especially those who are not saved by Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ-are dumb as shit to be completely real. Sorry.  I am hard pressed not to be angry because it's difficult to have patience with utter stupidity. Sorry, well, not sorry. I've had severe bipolar for 25 years.  At first, I didn't know what was bothering me because during the 1980s "Manic-depression," as it was called was not something you spoke about publicly.  There was a shame attached to having mental illness in those days.  Currently, with a stigma nearly lifted, mental illness is now starting to be recognized as a disability. I caught up with my disease and how our socie...

Good afternoon all! Thank you for allowing me to cry out to God yesterday. I read Psalm 2 or at least Psalm 2 read me.  The message is clear: defy God and remain broken. Surrender and obey and be blessed.   "Why do the nations rage, And the people plot a vain thing? The kings of the earth set themselves, And the rulers take counsel together, Against the LORD and against His Anointed,  saying, 'Let us break Their bonds in pieces And cast away Their cords from us.'" I have been fighting lately, but it has been like pounding sand.  Completely useless. Who can fight with God??? Moreover, why would you want to fight or defy God??? The only battles we win are the battles we fight on our knees with God as the front Man. My main hang up was that I needed to be in control of EVERYTHING.  Thankfully, I was warned PLENTY before I acted out any willful intentions that could prove to be dangerous.   God help me to stay under  Your umbrella and not to stra...

 Hello, all! I have a confession to make.  It has to do with my spirituality.  I am writing this to you dear readers as I am writing this to God, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I have not been reading my Bible as I should be doing because I was angry with God.   As a result, I was starving myself of the Bread of the Word, but at the end of the day I was only hurting myself.   Oh dear Heavenly Father please help me come back to You! Circumstances of life have caused me to run away from You with self-will run riot.  In the process, I have looked to everything else but You for my help.  I have willfully tried to sabotage my 23-year long relationship with You because I didn't believe in Your power to graciously get me to the other side of my circumstances.  I knew better, but I was tempted anyway. I run to You Heavenly Father, and I run back to the Cross. Oh, God help me!  I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes humbly...

 Sorry about the delay in catching up! I was pretty much oscillating between mania and depression in the month of October.  But now I'm back stronger than ever.  I'm living proof that living with manic/depression requires so much more than simply medicine. How did I get through it? The only way through is through, as I've heard it said.  I had to use my tools of positive self-talk, surrendering my anxieties to God and of course staying in line with medication and self-care. Now, I'm looking forward to the holiday season and, of course, Florida for my brother Ron's wedding. 70 degree winter break here we come! I have to go to work soon, so I think I'll relax with some meditations and some positive prayerful personal confessions. Until next time! Bye for now! Love you.

 Hey there! I decided to go shopping at the mall yesterday,  I bought some more clothes for Fall/Winter, and this fabulous Liz Claiborne pocketbook on clearance for $29.99!  I also bought hubby some shirts for work.  I got a massage from one of those mall massage chairs. Hubby didn't want to walk around the mall with me, so he stayed home and watched TV.  Later, I took a dip in the pool and got ready for dinner out with hubby All in all, it was an eventful day. At home, I watched The Devil Wears Prada starring Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway.  I had forgotten how much I miss fashion writing.  One of my friends from the fashion world reached out a couple of days ago.  He is a male model who worked at Jersey City Fashion Week and other fashion shows.  I asked if he wants to catch up at Starbucks where I first interviewed him for JCFW.  He said that would be great! I think I will take a dip in the pool before going out with hubby and possib...

 Hey there! It's a bit cloudy today, but that's o.k....I'm on stay-cation!!! I swam in the pool with hubby yesterday and took some "me time" walks. Today, I might take a walk on the shore.  Even in cloudy weather the ocean is beautiful.  My mood is stable today, and at this point I don't want to return to the grind.  I look to the future with hope, but I'm not ready to give up doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I just asked hubby what he wants to do today.  He said: " I don't know yet.  Let me take a shower."  That sounds like a good idea for myself.  Keeping up with hygiene is important, even when you feel anxious or depressed.  I've been getting better at it.  I like showers better than baths because showers completely clean you.  In a bath, you are sitting in your own filth.  Ugh!! What do I want to do today?  I'm unsure. I'm thinking about getting a massage, or getting my hair and nails done. I don't know....

 Hey there! I missed everyone.  Sorry about the silence, but I've been going through some major transitions in the month of August. I thought it was time for a reset as hubby and I are currently on a New Jersey stay-cation.   I am online right now catching up with some old friends from my fashion writing days.  I am also catching up on Facebook as I spent much time in the past month in bed with depression- like I said-reset time.  I am also using this time to catch up with myself, working on myself and healing. Sometimes we all need to reset and clear our heads of the daily grind. Resetting is super relaxing for the spirit, mind and soul.  I walked by the ocean thinking about nothing but the waves and the cool forgiving breeze that comes through the heat of the sun. I'm thinking about taking a walk right now. See you soon-love ya! ;)

 Hey there! Wow, this month has been a whirlwind of my former friends depression and fear!  I couldn't log anymore entries this month because I was severely depressed.  Then I realized the root of my depression.  I came to believe that it was the constant streaming of different channels.  I was becoming addicted to them hoping to distract myself from my moods.   While I think streaming is convenient and awesome, I was abusing it to lift my moods. The time I could have spent writing my book or blogging I instead spent on entertaining fears and depression.   I'm holding off on my book and Web site in lieu of getting-out-of-my comfort zone activities, like getting out of bed during the day to pray for God's will in my life.   When I hear His answers, I will resume less important activities. I might even reconsider going back to my streaming TV, but I want to be in a better space to do so. I reduced my watching to only one channel and m...

 Hey there! I'm attending a group writing session where you start writing while being timed.  So far, I got some writing prompts from a book called 321 Creative Writing Prompts  written by Lisa Dyer.  I went pretty deep  using the prompts to make my two fave protagonists come alive.  This is so exciting!  I can't wait to see where their story goes! I'm working on the sequel to my first novel, and lets just say I will give more of deets once my Web site is up and running. I'm back and better than ever.  My mood swings phase have finally cooled down (for now, anyway).  I feel less obsessive over stupid stuff as well.  It's like it's said:  "You're your own worst enemy." Bye for now! I love you! ;)

 Hey there! Sorry I haven't been around lately.  I  was kinda going through a depressive phase.  Sleeping a lot.  Only concerned about hygiene when I had to go to work. I don't know really what triggered it.  Been feeling exhausted lately.  But since then I've been on the proper dosage of medicine.  It took a minute, but I got there.   Now I'm bathing and even applying makeup just because. It had much to do with God's guidance, getting involved in volunteer projects at church and much praying to God to help me get out of bed. I'm not getting involved in my husband's business or all up into the cracks of what is not mine.  My last depressive phase lasted about 2 months.  Ugh. I lost my appetite and dropped weight, I didn't think I would look good in makeup anymore . Then slowly, day by day I started getting out of bed earlier and earlier.  I got my hair done, I applied makeup and thought: " not too bad for almost 53." My hu...

 Hey there! My church mentor is going away for the rest of the week, and I'm very sad.  This is going to be a test for me as I live life on my own.  She said I can text her, but it won't be the same. She is like an older sister, who I go to for my Biblical advice and daily living.  My other sister  Sandi is also good to talk to, but she is always on the go as a busy grandma, so I don't like to bother her too much.  Sandi is also my sister in the Lord, and she doesn't at all look like a grandma! I was just reminiscing how we used to make phone calls with using the area code if you lived within that area code.  I still remember my childhood phone number that has since been retired.  God, I feel old. I don't look old, but I feel old. I think I'm going to do some shredding today.  20 years worth of paperwork that don't matter anymore has to go.  Pretty soon we will be moving into our forever home, and I don't want to bring the past with me. ...

 Hey there! I worked tonight, and I'm exhausted!  I don't have to work tomorrow, but I need to walk down to Target with John. Nothing much else going on except me praying three times per day for God's will for our lives.  My church mentor said God already knows my needs and desires, so I only need to pray for God's will. I've been writing in my journal and reading my Bible everyday.   Well, goodnight for now. I love you. ;)

 Hey there! Happy May Day! The sun is out and it finally stopped raining.  I cannot wait for John and I to spend some much deserved time down the shore (Seaside Heights, NJ).  I love the smell of the ocean and the balmy weather. Last year, we flew out to Washington state to visit my cousins.  This year I think we we will stay on the east coast.  Also, I would like us to visit my half-brother Eric and family, who live in upstate New York. I love the Spring, Summer and Fall. I hate the winter.  I'm thinking of asking my husband if he would want to retire to Florida in our golden years.  I've had enough of New Jersey winters. Well, I got called in early to work. I love you guys.

 Hey there! Well, it's the last day of April.  Hopefully, it's the last day of rain.  I hate rain. John celebrates 28 years of sobriety today,  I'm so proud of him.  He's being a bit of a pain i the ass about picking out something to wear to his meeting celebration.  That's alright, John's my pain in the ass! Otherwise, it's a pretty lazy day today.  We went to church and I got a lot out of the sermon.  My take away was that we were beggars, and now we are royalty.  What a blessing! I have a new psychiatrist, but I'm a bit nervous about whether or not I'm going to like her.  My medications were also raised due to increased anxiety and depression.  It's been pretty touch and go for the past 3 weeks. I've been calling my mentor several times during that period.  I've also been experiencing physical pain as a result of depression. Anyway, I'm going to watch a movie before the celebration. See you guys soon! I love you.

Hey there. I'm living today.  Nothing special. Have not heard from my bio dad, but it's  ok if I don't.  I did my part. Anyway, I'm praying on writing a devotional for the mentally ill.  My church mentor  is praying on it, too.  The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Other than having to work today, it's pretty uneventful today.  My eyes are focused Heavenward, and my heart and life are in His hands.  I can't  wait to finally be called home sometimes.  This world is so messed up.   However, life is beautiful with our Comforter, the Holy Spirit and Jesus intervening on our behalf. Keeping my chin up until next time. I love you guys. ;)

 Hey there! Feeling less anxious today.   Today Pastor D spoke about forgiveness in today's devotional.   Forgiveness was a bit difficult for me ever since I was a little girl.  It was about the time I found out that I have a biological father who denied my existence.  I have since forgiven him, but I have yet to call him.  He's 80 years old now.  I found him on Ancestry.com, where I also found two half brothers, one older and one younger.   My one older brother is the best, and we talk on the phone every so often. I have books that I wrote (self-published) that I want to send to him (my brother).  I told him that I'm still gathering the courage to call up our father.   What would I say to him?  I have no idea. Well , I finally took a leap and it turned out to be another wrong number.  I also messaged his wife on Facebook.  I guess I want to prove to myself that I've forgiven my biological father. ...

 Hey there. Feeling anxious today, but not having a bad day.  My meds were upgraded, so hopefully my new upgrade  will kick into my system soon.   I didn't feel like punching anyone in the nose, so that's good.  ;) I went food shopping today, and tomorrow I will pay some bills.  Today was really uneventful other than watching some Hulu and Netflix. My fave show to binge lately has been Mom , starring Anna Faris.   I am also reading some of my books on Audible, as well as a few of my paperback books I ordered during the pandemic.  Pre-pandemic, I wasn't into Audibles or reading.  When I was a teen I read a lot.  So, I don't know what happened over the years. I also used to write in a diary more often when I was younger.  Well, now I blog my journal entries for the entire world to see in hopes that I'll help somebody else out there. Speaking of when I was younger, I used to also watch soap operas faithfully, Oprah was on the...

Hey there. I feel pretty good today.  I'm really in a good space.  Nobody has cheesed me off today, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm learning to watch what I say.  I'm also re-learning how to float. Floating is an exercise where you allow anxiety to come, but you "float" your way through it.  It reminds you that control is an illusion, and to hang loosely. Floating is not entirely  letting go, but it loosens your grip. My mentor suggested that I go back to swimming, where I can actually float, and teach myself to relax. Well, see you guys next time. ;) Love you!

 Hey there. ***TRIGGER WARNING*** Yesterday was a bad day for me.   Let's be real.   Anxiety took over, or I allowed it to take over.  I wasn't feeling myself at all.  I called my therapist and my psychiatrist, and then my spiritual leaders. This is how anxiety affects me.   For me, anxiety is a chemical thing where I have my good days and I have my bad days.   Yesterday was one of those bad days.  One where my outlook on life stinks and everything seems to be happening at once.  I get overwhelmed. I took my bedtime meds, and now I feel much better that I got some well deserved rest. Despite how we feel, life happens and will continue to happen.  Sometimes faking it until you make it doesn't work, especially when I feel like I'm carrying the very depths of Hell inside me.  My insides churn while I smile on the outside, so people don't see how I'm really feeling. I received a hug from a friend, and my husband John...

Hi. I'm feeling a little blue today. I often thought that finding your purpose was about looking ahead.  I don't think of it that way so much anymore.  I think finding purpose is about reflecting and saying "a-ha, that's been my purpose all along."  No regrets, no losses or gains, but this is your life.  But you're at peace with that. Maybe not so blue, but reflective.  So why am I crying?  I regret nothing, not even my mistakes. Maybe the peace I have I want to hold onto forever.  I want to hold onto my husband John forever, but one day God's going to call him home.  One day, God's going to call me home. Is this all there is?  Can we get a new purpose?  No matter what age? I want to write this blog right here, right now forever just pouring my heart out to you. Are these happy tears? Grateful tears? I'm re-learning how to pray.  I have always written out my prayers, and then I would check them off and log my answers. I found a bind...

Hey there!   I checked my You Tube account, and Jesus Revolution doesn't drop until April 11th! BOOOOOO!!! I  prayed today begging God to keep people away from me, who speak bad tidings and basic negativity.  It's beginning to make me so ANGRY.  I just want to live my life as I always have: happy, joyous and free.  :) On a positive note, I guess God is using his sandpaper to make me a better person.  He is sending me the sand paper people. Loving God is not so much about being a good person so you can get into Heaven.  It's about a daily progression of learning and understanding better concepts on how to treat ourselves and others.  Walking with God is learning to live by higher standards because this world in and of itself is a depraved place to be.   My senior pastor (RIP) once said that we will never know the depravity God rescued us from.  I have forgotten most of the depravity God rescued me from. My mind has been renewed....

Hey there!  The thing about getting  older is becoming wiser. I learned not to gossip about others a long time ago, but there is the flip side. Learning to tune out gossip is equally important.  Learning to say, "I gotta go." Detaching. Most of my worries and fears come from what I allow into my spirit. I'm too old and too intelligent to carry around old fears triggered by allowing negativity into my ear gates. On a more positive note, I just subscribed to Peacock for only $4.99 (plus tax), and it's an amazing value add to my Hulu and Netflix.  Also, my pre-ordered Jesus Revolution movie just dropped into my YouTube.   I think I will do some tidying up before watching my movie. Totes excited!  I've been waiting for this movie to come out.  Well, bye for now. ;)